[

Current Mood

|

worried

]

My head is full of black feathers, but they're not the same as Kenjiro's black feathers.

I'm afraid she's going to break it again. She can't keep doing this.

I should know who she is. Why don't I?

[

Current Mood

|

confused

]

I think I can see the way. It's odd, because I shouldn't be able to. I'm not one of them. Maybe it's not one of their ways. Maybe it's another way. It might be Lili's way. I like that idea. (I'm not sure all this travelling with Kenjiro is good for me, sometimes.)

Lili knows we're here. I know because I saw her last night. We had a good, long talk. She was right about Benedetto and Ficino. I really hate it when people who aren't as smart as me turn out to be right about things like that, too. The question is whether Lili will tell Ilóna we're here, and whether Ilóna will tell anyone, and who would believe them, anyway.

Ilóna is sometimes a wolf. The raven is sometimes a girl. Sometimes I am...what? Something else. My brother showed me Sevvie's equations. (He calls her that. In my letters I called her Magistra Leffoy, but I'm not sure that's really her name.) She figured out part of it. But I'm not sure I can go back. I think she can. But sometimes I'm not even sure that I want to. I want all of me back. But I'm starting to get used to this. There are things I can see that I couldn't before.

Sándor would tell me to trust Ilóna. But if he knew she was a wolf sometimes, he'd kill her. He'd cry and he'd be sad, but he would do it. Or he'd let Stepán. I have something to do with Stepán, and it's very important. And someone named Alessio, too. Lili mentioned this. She said it was important for me to remember the false dichotomy. And that a braid is stronger than a single cord. She doesn't like the yellow-eyed man.

Dr Tesla is old and I'm worried about him. I sometimes forget that bodies wear down. Miss Moody takes very good care of him though. Almost as much as Sándor does of me.

[

Current Mood

|

worried

]

Eudokia doesn't see me. Just a hole where her captain was sometimes.

It's important to have all the parts (I wish I had all my parts, and that it was as simple as going back to a place and time when I did) and it's important to make Fife happy. But sometimes I don't like going to places where things that we need are easy to find.

Places and times, times and places, either you know where we are or you know where we're going. Either way you can't see what we are, just the trail we left. If I take something from someplace that isn't and hold it every day in my hands, doesn't it make that place real?

He says it's okay. It isn't stealing to take things from people who won't ever exist. As if that was what bothered me. But sometimes naming something makes it real. Sometimes. If naming things can make them real then how much realer is a thing you touched?

Times are weird like that. It's time, a wave; or particles, times, here, then, now, when, where. Or little strings that he can unravel and weave. Some times are weirder than others. Is any time as weird as us? Valeria never knew him. Maybe I don't either. There's one of him with us and another in Roma, and we met him again in the future, except he was older (of course). He was with stupid Alessio and that doctor (who isn't as smart as my brother). Valeria had gone mad, and they blamed themselves, and I told them it wasn't her fault, she was never as smart as me. I said Ficino should have known that she'd turn out like that, and they told me that Joachim did it. I didn't believe them. Joachim fixes things.

[

Current Mood

|

curious

]

Kenjiro was up all night.

Watching the mirrors.

We dreamed about feathers.

It was a good dream. But better for him than for me I think.

Silly Sándor did nothing but sleep, all night long.

I thought about Miguel last night.

[

Current Mood

|

frustrated

]

Note: stress tolerance exceeded.

There is --a colour-- beyond the natural visual range of the mundane eye. Not all wizards can see it. He saw it when I broke the clock.

I know he didn't mean to hurt me no matter what Sándor says. When the clocks stop they talk to me now.

Kenjiro made the clock tick backward. I saw the bird in the mirror. When the clock ticked backward, the particles went spinning in a new direction.

I spin and spin but my particles don't return to their orbits. Sándor wants to fix it but he doesn't know how.

We are not alone in here. She made me laugh when I was little. I haven't seen her now for years, but she sent me a dream. Maybe she thought I was dead. I thought I was dead for a while.

Possibly parts of me are dead.

Joachim knows where it is.

I am surer than ever that Teleforce works.